It's all me

The problem with Banana? It's really all me.

There is no need for me to be scared of my horse. And yes, I'm now scared of her. I don't know why. She was absolutely wonderful when the Taskmaster double lunged her yesterday. She is shockingly not sore from the trailer debacle. After she was done I walked around the arena with her so she'd roll and she was too busy walking with her nose pressed against my knee to roll. She does love me. Afterwards I took her to the Taskmaster's trailer, a three horse slant. She walked right on and backed off slowly. We did it again and again and again. She was fine and not at all concerned. I didn't try to close her in though. I was fine: not nervous, not scared, decided I'd ride her on Saturday and maybe do walk-trot at the show there on Sunday.

Then last night I filled out my entry. And my stomach just started to roil. And I started to freak. Today it's still happening. I'm riding other horses just fine, I rode Meatball yesterday and my new buddy Cappy (more on him later) today with no problems. Just the thought of Banana throws me into gastric and mental distress.

And here's the thing: she's really done nothing to bring about this amount of anxiety on my part. Yes, she's quick. But she's not bad, she's not naughty. She does do things because she's green, but not horrid things. Meatball can buck and Bean can spook and I don't get scared. All Banana does is go fast and I'm freaking out?

If you're thinking I need professional help you're right. Fortunately, I already have an appointment with my therapist scheduled in a few weeks. She's gotten me through horse fear before, I started seeing her after the concussion from the Bay Bolter and was having a horrible time functioning with my changed brain. She will probably say what she said then, "You know, you don't have to ride."

Right now... the thought of not riding is not devestating. My body hurts. It's probably just a flare up, as happens on occasion, or something new is starting. When I was competing with Penny everything was about having me able to ride. I don't feel that drive now. My guess is being at odds without a horsie partner. Bean tolerates what I make her do, Meatball would be just plain scary at an event, Penny is retired, and I've been over Banana. Cappy might be an option, and I enjoy him, but we're probably not going to be competing past pre-comp.

Banana Dilemmas

I am having some big dilemmas regarding Banana.

She's a nice horse with lovely gaits. For the most part she has good ground manners. I do like her quite a bit. She has a lot of potential.

She's also very forward under saddle and I'm not comfortable with her speed. She's not naughty, but she has so much freaking energy. She spends a lot of time pacing her corral, in theory because of all that energy. I had to put shoes on her so she'd stop wearing her feet off.

We're having to retrain her from being a western horse and she wants her nose down so badly, which means she's pulling on my arms. My arms cannot deal with being pulled on. I had been led to believe this issue would be resolved faster than it is.

I discovered yesterday her trailering problem is pretty huge. We loaded her in my friend's 2 horse straight load (and it's a nice trailer, not scary.) We got the butt bar up and she lost it. She started scrambling and slipped, her rear going under the butt bar. She then continued scrambling, backing up under the butt bar until she was free. She scraped hair off her back and I'm sure she's sore today. the other horse in the trailer is fine, thank goodness. She did bend the pole that holds the divider and the chest bars, I think from her pressure on the divider between the two horses. So, I get to pay for repairs to my friend's trailer too. So incredibly glad it wasn't structural. 


With all of this... I think I'm going to sell her. I'm going to have to work on her trailering problem (the Taskmaster thinks it's fixable) but I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable on her speed unless I put a crap load of money into training. But, she has so much potential!

The thing with horses with "potential" is that they need time and I'm not sure I want to put it in. I absolutely don't have the skills to do it on my own and I'm tethered to the Taskmaster because of it. If I liked riding her as is I'd totally put the time in, but I don't like riding her right now. Why am I putting time and training into a horse I might never be comfortable on? The reason is my husband is not likely to let me spend the money on something trained how I like it. But, when all is said and done I'll have spent more on training Banana than buying a new horse.

Why do I feel the urge to vomit?

Oh look. The nerves are here. Could it possibly be due to the fact that we'll be in sunny St Johns in less than 24 hours? Oh yeah, that's why.

I'm packed more efficiently than ever before, so kudos to me. No doubt this means I've forgotten something.