A Note About This Blog

I used to be a writer. Unpublished, but a writer just the same. I have several 100,000 word novels sitting on my hard drive. Then I fell off a horse and got a concussion that scrambled my brains really good (yes, I was wearing a helmet.) After that forming a written sentence was very difficult for quite some time. It's still difficult, but at least now generally the sentence structure isn't egregiously flawed. Verbally and written wrong words pop in, I switch words around, and sometimes I make no sense at all. It isn't because I don't have knowledge of grammar and punctuation, but my brain simply can't do it sometimes. Reading this blog you're accepting that there's going to be things that look like typos or make no sense. It's not because I don't proofread, it's because my damaged brain doesn't see what's wrong. I try my best, but things will slip through. I don't need them pointed out, I know they're there, but if I continued to worry about them I wouldn't write at all. I didn't for quite some time. It's painful as a past master of words to use them so badly, but fortunately the words don't seem to mind.

Friday, April 26, 2013

It's all me

The problem with Banana? It's really all me.

There is no need for me to be scared of my horse. And yes, I'm now scared of her. I don't know why. She was absolutely wonderful when the Taskmaster double lunged her yesterday. She is shockingly not sore from the trailer debacle. After she was done I walked around the arena with her so she'd roll and she was too busy walking with her nose pressed against my knee to roll. She does love me. Afterwards I took her to the Taskmaster's trailer, a three horse slant. She walked right on and backed off slowly. We did it again and again and again. She was fine and not at all concerned. I didn't try to close her in though. I was fine: not nervous, not scared, decided I'd ride her on Saturday and maybe do walk-trot at the show there on Sunday.

Then last night I filled out my entry. And my stomach just started to roil. And I started to freak. Today it's still happening. I'm riding other horses just fine, I rode Meatball yesterday and my new buddy Cappy (more on him later) today with no problems. Just the thought of Banana throws me into gastric and mental distress.

And here's the thing: she's really done nothing to bring about this amount of anxiety on my part. Yes, she's quick. But she's not bad, she's not naughty. She does do things because she's green, but not horrid things. Meatball can buck and Bean can spook and I don't get scared. All Banana does is go fast and I'm freaking out?

If you're thinking I need professional help you're right. Fortunately, I already have an appointment with my therapist scheduled in a few weeks. She's gotten me through horse fear before, I started seeing her after the concussion from the Bay Bolter and was having a horrible time functioning with my changed brain. She will probably say what she said then, "You know, you don't have to ride."

Right now... the thought of not riding is not devestating. My body hurts. It's probably just a flare up, as happens on occasion, or something new is starting. When I was competing with Penny everything was about having me able to ride. I don't feel that drive now. My guess is being at odds without a horsie partner. Bean tolerates what I make her do, Meatball would be just plain scary at an event, Penny is retired, and I've been over Banana. Cappy might be an option, and I enjoy him, but we're probably not going to be competing past pre-comp.


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