A Note About This Blog

I used to be a writer. Unpublished, but a writer just the same. I have several 100,000 word novels sitting on my hard drive. Then I fell off a horse and got a concussion that scrambled my brains really good (yes, I was wearing a helmet.) After that forming a written sentence was very difficult for quite some time. It's still difficult, but at least now generally the sentence structure isn't egregiously flawed. Verbally and written wrong words pop in, I switch words around, and sometimes I make no sense at all. It isn't because I don't have knowledge of grammar and punctuation, but my brain simply can't do it sometimes. Reading this blog you're accepting that there's going to be things that look like typos or make no sense. It's not because I don't proofread, it's because my damaged brain doesn't see what's wrong. I try my best, but things will slip through. I don't need them pointed out, I know they're there, but if I continued to worry about them I wouldn't write at all. I didn't for quite some time. It's painful as a past master of words to use them so badly, but fortunately the words don't seem to mind.

Monday, December 15, 2014

RIP Bean

As the subject says, I just found out Bean was euthanized last week.

I feel responsible.

When I took her to St Johns in April 2013 she felt off when we were finishing up XC. Her legs felt fine, so we thought maybe she stepped on a rock. No, she wasn't okay. It turned out to be a bowed tendon, but it presented very oddly. The Taskmaster just had us icing and hosing it for several weeks. I offered to pay for her vet bill so a vet would see her, but she didn't see a vet until after I'd left. I didn't actually know she'd bowed the tendon for six months.

I know as well as the next horse person that horses hurt themselves. She was 21, the tendons aren't quite so resilient at that age. But, she did it when she was my responsibility, so I feel responsible. I don't think there is anything I could have done to prevent it, other than to have stayed home, but it still happened.

She's only been sound for the last four months, that's 16 months of rehab. Last week she was running through the mud and slipped, tearing the tendon again. I know I'm not responsible for that exact moment, but if she hadn't bowed that tendon it would have been stronger and maybe she would be okay.

*sigh* This is probably something I should be discussing with my therapist, my guilt over this situation. There's nothing I can do to change the past. I did what I could to help. I didn't own her so I couldn't insist the vet come. I offered what help I could. But, my heart hurts for the Taskmaster and the loss of a horse that had been born in her front yard almost 23 years ago.
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