Interesting Guilt

At 3:45 I realized I had a text sent at 3 from J wondering if I wanted to ride down the road. It would have taken me 20 minutes to get dressed/tack up, but Naners has been proving difficult to catch lately, so I knew it would probably take me longer. Turns out it wouldn't have, she came to the barn as soon as she saw me. I fed and got back into the house at 4:20. I could have tacked up and gone out and we would have been able to get in a decent ride. The big reason I didn't want to go is because it was hellaciously windy out the other times I've been outside today: the wind that makes you wonder if the house is going to blow over and you have to clean the dust out of your ears when you come in. I've been very much huddled in the house, doing things like changing the fish tank filters and descaling the espresso machine. But, of course, when I went out to feed, while it is windy, it was not as unpleasant as it has been. Now I feel guilty or something. I should have gone. A little wind hasn't stopped me other days, why today? I do have a neck-induced migraine brewing and I don't yet know if riding aggravates or alleviates it. That's a legitimate excuse. Of less legitimacy, my chin is chapped from all the wind lately.

So, lots of excuses, none of them really good. That's probably the guilt: why can't I just admit I didn't feel like it? Because I always feel like it and I made the wrong decision today. We've been out in 20 degrees and wind, today it's 40 degrees and wind. J had spent time primping the pony and was ready to go, I didn't want her to wait some undetermined time while I potentially chased Banana around the pasture.*

Aruba went back to his people yesterday.  Not the people that made him skinny and didn't bother trimming his feet, the people that raised him. I enjoyed having him around: he was an excellent buddy horse. However, he colicked twice in the last two weeks. I'm not going to miss walking him around in the cold. We think he might have been eating a dead weed that no other horse has ever touched. All it would take is him taking a couple of mouthfuls of tumbleweed to upset the delicate horsie digestive system, though I've had other horses it didn't bother.

"But Pam," you say. "How can you possibly turn horses out in a pasture with weeds!" The weeds are, alas, a neverending fight. I have the ones that come up in the spring/early summer and the ones that come up late summer/early fall. I can only really afford to spray once a year (and you all would not believe how much it costs to do 42 acres.) Last year it was the early weeds, this year I'll do the late weeds. I do think we've finally (knock on wood) eradicated the Russian Knapweed, which is the only truly nasty weed we have. Luckily, while poisonous to horses, they don't touch it unless there is nothing else to eat at all. I also turn them out in pastures full of prairie dog holes. I'm a horrible horse mom or something.


*I don't actually chase her around the pasture, she'd win. We're working on this catching issue, which is sort of why it is currently an issue. She hasn't made the connection between "She's putting the halter on me more often!" with the "But she's not working me every time she does it" yet. Downside of having your pastures going directly to stalls: I could go weeks (and have) without putting a halter on anyone.

Why yes, I do have a chandelier

A couple of weeks ago Horse Nation reposted their Tack Rooms That Are Nicer than Your House post

They're so nice and it makes me a little sad that I will just never have anything that nice. There's chandeliers in those tack rooms. And then it occurred to me: there's no reason I can't have a chandelier. Sure, my tack room is just slightly bigger than a closet and the walls and ceiling are made of plywood (though I did paint the walls at one point, the ceiling is still natural.) It makes putting a chandelier in there even more ridiculous, so of course I had to do it.

I also put up more hooks and organized and even pulled out things to sell at the tack sale in a few months. The result is I can actually walk in there again.

Loss

I've put down four horses now, two in the last nine months. I have sort of a protocol I follow emotionally. It's not something I planned on, it's just what has evolved going through this process.

I've decided I hate crying over them in their last days on this earth. I don't think it's fair to them to have to have a human blubbering over them over and over again. I generally have a good cry sometime in the days before, mourning the things that will not be. It's when the vet drives down the driveway I start to get teary. I try to hold it together till they get the sedative shot and then I cry over them and say goodbye as we walk to the hole (not a short walk.) Then I lose it, stroking them, telling them the same thing over and over. For Flanigan it was "I'm sorry" because I couldn't make him healthier. For Fudge it was "I love you" because I have never loved a horse as much as I loved her. Condor "You've been a good boy and you're very loved." Penny was, "Oh Pony." Once it's done I dry my tears and move on. Except Fudge, I can still cry over her.

So why am I telling you this?

Just before Christmas we had to put down our eldest Golden Retriever Snitch at 10. We'd only found out less than a month before he had cancer. No arthritis, no other issues. He went downhill fast. Putting him down was more painful than the horses, because the vet kept wanting to "give us time." By the time we had gotten to the vet we had said our goodbyes and prolonging it was torturing us humans. When all was said and done we were at the vet's for an hour. With a horse the vet is sometimes driving out of the driveway in 20 minutes. I much prefer horse vet's efficency.

I do plan to tell the small animal vet that really, while we don't want an express euthanasia, it would be nice if we could move it along a little faster the next time. It's not like they were busy: we were the only people in there on a saturday morning. I do think they thought they were being comforting and helpful, but for us they just weren't. The only way they'll know is if we tell them.

So what brought this up? Snitch's ashes are sitting on the piano. They're in a nice box with a plate with his name on it. I just cautiously opened the box, having no idea what would be in there. The ashes are inside a plastic bag, tied with a heart shaped brass tag with his name on it. Now I'm just crying. I miss my dog. Yes, there are three others and the four cats, but they're not the same. He was our first. He moved into our house in California before I did (I was out of town.) Hubby signed the papers on the house and then went right out to get the puppy we'd picked out from the breeder. He was not the prettiest golden retriever with his crazy curly hair, but he was funny. A complete and utter goon. He liked to chase flashlights and play with empty plastic bottles. He was submissive to everyone and everything. He let the other dogs, and cats, sleep on top of him. He was a good big brother and loved his humans. And we all loved him back.

Insanity

What's that thing about trying the same thing and expecting a different response being insanity?

A few weeks ago I loaded up Naners and we went down to the Taskmaster's. I wanted specific help: things we can do walking down the road to encourage her to stretch through her back. What did she have us doing? The same damn circle that has thwarted me for two and a half years. It's a rather involved circle, getting the horse to step under herself and the like. I have issues on horses that know how to do it, put me on a horse that doesn't and it just doesn't go well. And, then my hip starts to hurt. At this point, it is pretty clear to me that this particular exercise does not work for me, but there I was, trying to do it again.

I do love the Taskmaster: she's brilliant (if a train wreck,) but she has one way of doing things and in this case, the one way does not work for me. Not to mention: Naners was in training with her for how long? She should be past this damn circle so I don't need to struggle with it so much.

I'm frustrated my horse isn't more trained than she is. And also that one of the kids I know is getting to free lease a kick ass eventer that is going to pack her around. I want a packer! *whine, whine, whine*

My barn

Picture for purposes being talked about elsewhere.

Plans? We don't need no stinking plans

Hey! It's the end of the year. That means I'm supposed to have some sort of horsie plan for 2014...

I have no plans.

I have some thoughts: I'd like to do 1-2 events at Pre-Comp, maybe do a real dressage show and try out competitive trail. But, I'm not planning past, "hmm... let's see what happens." Inevitably, whenever I make plans they don't work out. So, it's rather pointless because then I just mourn when they don't come about.

Some of my friends are planning events and clinics and I'm sitting back, not involved. Several years with these ladies, planning always going on this time of year, and then they never happen. Something always comes up on the parts of others. I'm rather tired of planning my life around things that end up not happening.

I do know I'll be going to all of the local club's shows, since I'm the secretary, and can usually ride as well as secretate. There will be trail rides and other social outings I'm sure. All I've concentrated on in the last four years is getting to events and competing. 2014 is going to be about enjoying my horse, however that turns out being.


And because we need a picture, here's the crew coming in for dinner:

Christmas Day

My neighbor/friend/vet J decided it would be fun to carol down the road on Christmas. So, at 11:45 Banana and I arrived at her house, decked out in our Christmas finery:

I went as a "Wise Woman" because how often do I get to use my crown and cape? I also figured the massive amounts of fabric would be a good test for Banana for future ridiculous side saddle outfits.

We then rode down the road to J's mom's, where the neighbors that lived just far enough away to trailer in parked. There was some very Irish coffee and jello shots. Off we set down the road, 12 horses/mules and almost that many dogs. Naners was not thrilled about all the horses and kicked out a couple of times at two particular mares so we went to the back of the group. I don't know if she's ever been on a ride with that many horses. In true Naners fashion though, she settled and we were able to ride wherever, as long as we stayed away from those two mares.

 

Naners is very tolerant, and wore her santa hat for almost the whole ride. I dropped it and the cape at our gate the second time we went past it.

We finished off back at J's mom's house, where we finished off the adult beverages and then J and I rode back to her place, and then I continued back to mine. It was a great way to spend Christmas and I wouldn't mind at all if it became a tradition.

Happy Holidays

Oliver, and everyone here at Pam's Pony Place, wish you all a happy celebration of whatever holiday you choose to observe this time of year. (Ollie is a fan of Christmas and Santa, since the big man brought him a new halter and lead rope early.)

Pro Shots from Las Cruces

Alas, the photographer's camera was malfunctioning when we jumped the biggest Pre-Comp jump, so  we have only the smallest.

Fuzz butts

A trip down the road with Naners two weeks after her shoes were pulled indicates I might not need boots for her. Fingers crossed. She's also the fattest she's been in the year I've owned her. She hasn't fence walked in more than a month.

Oliver continues to amuse me.

He only goes out with the big horses for maybe an hour, because even though that grass looks dead I can assure you, down at the roots, it is still green. And that little bit of green is holding onto a crap load of sugar.

The big horses used to have buckets on the ground too, but Oliver would nose Kokomo out of his food and share Naner's bucket with her. He really doesn't need their food, so I had to hang buckets for their dinners.